One of my first jobs as a teen was at a fast-food hamburger joint called Harvey’s, it was right across the street from the police station, so I was safe and boundaries were clear.
At that time I got invited to a cool kid’s party, but the trouble was, someone had asked me to work for them at Harvey’s the same night as the party. I didn’t know what to do, and didn’t have a ton of experience saying No, so I made up a brainiac excuse.
Sprayed by a skunk!
I told her I was sprayed by a skunk. Yes. Sprayed. By a skunk.
I crafted a seriously intricate story… I was out in my backyard taking out the trash and I came face to face with a cute, black and white striped cat (or so I thought). I kneeled down to pet the kitty, and it turned its back to me and sprayed!
So, I couldn’t take their shift because, well everyone would be grossed out because I smelled SO BAD!
Some of you may know, as an aside, that I was also cast as Primrose the Skunk from Snow White in an elementary school play, so thus my affinity for skunks. My famous line was, “A rose, is a rose, is a rose, from a skunk with a nose for the news!” I digress!
Anyways, she believed me! Well, I’m not sure if she really believed me, but I didn’t have to cover her shift and I went to the party.
What if I handled the situation differently?
I share this story, because what if I’d handled the situation differently, was just truthful, and used my skills of saying No?
What if I’d not spun into people-pleasing mode and had to craft up a big ole lie?
Have you ever crafted crazy stories just so you could get away from saying No? Have you dropped into people-pleasing mode and didn’t realize it?
It always feels best to tell the truth and be honest, so saying No should be easy, and yet it isn’t, no matter what stage of life you’re in.
So, here are some tips I’ve learned in life to help me say no, now 35+ years later…
Ways to Say No
No.
No thank you.
Not today.
I have plans.
Thank you for asking, I already have plans.
I’m busy then.
It sounds great, but I have another commitment.
I’m honored you asked me, but I don’t have the bandwidth for that now.
Sadly, I have something going on then.
I’m sorry, but I can’t fit this into my life right now.
Recognizing the Signs I’ve Gone into People-Pleasing Mode
I feel bad for having to say no.
I start feeling overwhelmed because I’ve said Yes too often.
I try to take on someone else’s tasks when I sense they’re overwhelmed.
I stop asking for help.
I stop doing things I love, so I can do the things I don’t love.
I feel judgement or resentment.
I neglect my own needs and desires.
I judge others because they aren’t helping.
How to Get out of the Cycle of People Pleasing
Be gentle with myself and acknowledge any of the above.
Practice saying No… in the mirror, in the car by yourself, with a friend, with a coach.
Talk to a friend or loved one about the things you are noticing about yourself, so they can also help you bring awareness with kindness of course.
Practice a pause of silence before saying yes, or no.
There’s always space and time for healing.
We begin healing when we become aware. We begin healing when we take small steps towards loving ourselves with love, self-compassion, and self-kindness.
What are your thoughts about the things I’ve shared? How do you say no, when you feel pressure into saying yes, or fall into some people-pleasing patterns and let your boundaries fall?
Leave me a comment expressing your views, I’d love to read it!
You are loved, Nicole xo
Nicole A. Vienneau MSN, RN, NC-BC
Nicole is learning to thrive in mid-life too! She strives to honor her body, mind and spirit through these magnificent stages of aging, and wants to honor YOU too!
Nicole combines 20+ years of nursing experience with 30+ years of fitness + health coaching to uncover your most authentic expression of wellbeing.
She is a board-certified integrative nurse coach, menopause fitness specialist, brain health trainer, and a group fitness, yoga, and tai chi instructor. She specializes in protecting your health through habits and behaviors that support your brain and body health at Blue Monarch Health, PLLC.
Nicole is passionate about everything she does, and especially loves creating safe, restorative communities. She loves exploring nature, finding solace with her cat-babies and traveling with her awesome husband.
Email Nicole at nicole@bluemonarchhealth.com